Douchebaggery 101: How to Become a Douchebag!

Posted on October 19, 2008 / Fun

In the spirit of Halloween my cousin and I were playing with the idea of dressing up as New Jersey guido douchebags. But in order to be a Jersey Douchebag I need to think, talk and walk like a jersey douchbag so it made me realize that either I am a douchebag or I need to learn to be a douchebag. I'm going to have to say that I'm not a douchebag. But you never know. So I guess we'll have to define the sterotypical douchebag and therein I will discourse you on Douchebaggery 101.

I once read this article called "5 Douchebag Behaviors explained by Science" and it correlated "Douchebag behaviors" with pyschological diseases or problems. Made me wonder, is douchebaggery genetic? Is there a douchebag gene? Or are these certain psychological explanations for douchebaggery? In this article they discuss certain psychological predispositions that essentially make certain people more suseptible to douchebaggery than others. Nope! I'm going to have to say no! no no no no! So who is responsible for douchebaggery? You! Me! My sister! Your mom! My cousin! You sister's boyfriends older sister's mom's girlfriends daughter's boyfriend. We are all responsible for douchebaggery.

I can't remember how many times I've chilled with people that I didn't particularly enjoy and found myself in awkward positions. Like when some douchebag starts making some worthless, illogical comments and everyone in the room laughs. He didn't make sense. That's not even true. He just lied to make a point. He is a douchebag! And thanks to those f*ckin people he's going to make that comment again! and again! You reinforced that behaviors, making it more likely to occur. How many of you know that one guy who makes obnoxious comments, illogical statements or rude proposals and seen other's laugh at it? Why does he do that? Why does he continue to makes those ridiculous comments--because we laugh! because we smile and tell him "that shit was funny!" We say, holy shit, you're ridiculous spiky hair looks awesome. Oh my god, your fifteen sprays of cologne smells so good. Can you please talk on the phone while you speak with me more? Is that a tattoo? Do you work out? Don't ask stupid questions if you don't want stupid responses. And don't freakin laugh if the shit isnt funny!

The most ridiculous part is that these guys have friends! Because they are so ridiculous they actualy have friends and they mold those friends into douchebag followers. Then these douche duffles (plural of douchebag) find a bunch of girls to bang. This is the worst mistake a girl ever made! Why would you sleep with this guy? You knew he was going to never talk to you again. And tell his friends all about your boobs! and behold! you're best friend slept with him the next night! Ladies, want to stop douchebags?--Then STOP FUCKING THEM!

Basically douchebaggery is a consequence of our "response" to their behaviors. Thus, in order for me to become a douchebag--to fit my costume, that is--i'll need to live the life of a douchebag! I'll gel the shit out of my hair until it sticks up in spikes! I'll pop my collar (all of them)! I'll only buy bottles of Grey Goose at the bars! I'll pucker my lips and tan my body! Then I'll pop my collar again and i'll say awkward, ridiculous and meaningless comments in order to get a reinforcing response from you! Please! Make me a douchebag! I'm going to be ridiculous! I'm going to tell you about me! And all about me! I'm going to talk about how cool I am. I'm going to talk about how fun I am. I'm going to talk to you about all my accomplishments. I'm going to tell you about all the girls I've banged (including models). I'm going to tell you how much cooler I am than you are. I'm going to show you my muscles. I'm going to ask you to take your clothes off so nonchalantely that you won't even realize it. I'm going to be so obnoxious, so racist, so degrading and so dishonest that you will laugh. And then cry from laughter and laugh more. And I will smile. And feel the overwhelming feeling of douchebagged reinforcement! And then I will go on, pucker my lips, tan my body, and inject steriods in my ass just to entertain you. Just to sit and talk about me as a form of conversation. Just to tell you how much money I make and how much money I spend on steroids! I'm going to be such a ridiculous douchebag that I'll be the first douchebag to become aware of my douchebaggery and then embrace it, talk about it and tell you how i'm such a douchebag that I'm fuckin cool! That I'm the man for being the first douchebag to recognize his douchebaggery.

Step 1 accomplished! Laugh, people! Laugh at my ridiculousness. And this is the best part, I'm have begun my metamorphsis into a douchebag and all you are probably laughing at this post. You're probably going to laugh and talk about it and then blog about it. And then tell your friends about it! And all the while my douchebaggery will grow like a cancerous cell! I am that which you call douchebag--until November 1st, then I'm John Koht, jk, john, whatever else you want to call me--except douchebag!

I almost forgot, I'll also be studying douchebags at A Place for Douchebags! Check this site out, it's halarious!

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