If It's Not Facebook Official, it Aint Shit!

Posted on August 29, 2008 / Thoughts

I remember when Facebook first came out, it was 2004 and I was at Boston University, less then 2 miles from where Mark Zuckerberg first launched Facebook.

Let me tangent for a minute, I knew Mark Zuckerberg, yeah, that's my brief moment with fame. I actually attended Harvard University in the summer of 2001. I was his roommate in Hurlbut Hall on the outskirst of campus. We didn't really hang out. Damn me for being "too cool!"

Anyways, back to the point. When Facebook was first released and hit Boston University, I remember waiting for the train with my roommate, Dave Brumaru, and overhearing a brief conversation between two people. As this guy rushed to jump on the train he didn't have enough time to ask for this girl's number, so instead he told her that he would "facebook" her. (facebook now becoming a verb like google, i.e. "i facebooked that bitch", "yo, this chick did not just facebook me", "she facebooked me and I denied! hahha"). Dave laughed at the conversation, he sought something according to this: "what a duechebag...he's going to facebook her! so lame". I think a lot of people thought the same. Most people thought that this social network was some kind of high school bullshit.

Dave was wrong. very wrong! In fact, I remember other times where he facebooked or told somebody he was going to facebook them. Who's the duechebag now, Dave? Anyways, from this social phenomenon there has emerged a particular validity inherent to Facebook's social network utilities. What I mean is that Facebook, and what people post on Facebook, hold a certain truth in some awkward manners. If some dude says he is dating this girl but on facebook it says that they are both "relationship status: single" then nope! you're wrong, dude. It's not Facebook Official so it's not true. sorry! It's obvious that no relationship is actually real until it becomes facebook official (perhaps that's why my ex-girlfriend just left me without a real reason--because it wasn't facebook official! i hope she reads this too!). People, make sure your relationship is insured, invest in Facebook Officiality--it's legit!

That's not the only kind of officiality that you can get from Facebook, though. You can get "he's a cheater" official too! Yup. Ladies, say you got this boyfriend or boytoy or guy you date, whatever, and one day you log onto facebook and there in the middle of your freakin' news feed you see a "blah blah was tagged in an album" and the picture is him all up on some chick! Bang! It's facebook official, dude's a cheater. He's weak sauce! A not-so-spicy meatball!

Or even better, the facebook official party, holy shit, this one is the best! If you want to have a party and not invite certain people, then don't post that shit on facebook! not the invite or the photos! Are you an idiot?!? Do you not realize that people can see this shit? Seriously, how are you going to have a party, invite people and then not invite certain people and then try to hide the fact that it didnt happen when you and everyone you know posted photos from the event---"yeah, oh, no. that wasn't my birthday party, that was last year's new years party at Steve's house". Nope! Its facebook official! Need a moment? Grab a twix cause your facebook officially lying ass is caught! What? What?!

Facebook plus drunk = bad idea! Don't facebook drunk, probably a bad idea. There is proof! But also, don't be too drunk around anyone, or else they can post a photo of you drunk on facebook and you'll be facebook officially drunk and everyone (including future employers!) will be able to see it!

Don't you get it? Facebook holds legitimacies to it that you personally don't even have! It makes and breaks people! It saves lives! It creates change! It is all that is man and balls! Facebook! We love you Mark Zuckerberg for giving us divine authority--that of Facebook, the honorable facebook official!!

One more thing, althought I oringally intended this post to be a joke I actually discovered some legitimacy to this pointless argument mid post. I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter! And that, my friends, is facebook official!