Ninja Drunks: The Sneaky Incognito Drink Pincher!

Posted on November 27, 2008 / Thoughts

I think there are certain Unspoken Codes to drinking. Whether you are in a bar, at a house party or just drinking with a few friend, there are codes of ethics and etiquette that must be upheld regardless of the situation. Now don't get me wrong, there are also certain rules of mayhem that take place if the situation is right, i.e. drawing on someone's face if they fall asleep on the couch with their shoes on, etc. But the focus here is the ethics and etiquette of drinking while everyone is conscious. (i realize that conscious may be a vague reference here since we've all be drunk and drinking and probably not actually conscious of the fact that we are awake and drinking, i.e. my birthday). But the codes are not my focus here, my real focus is those people who sneak through the cracks of the codes, who ninja their way into the bars without paying a dime and somehow manage to get drunker than you without spending any money--they are the "ninja drunks!"

I know this kid who is a friend of a friend of mine, we'll call him Sven. Now Sven has been a friend of my friends forever. They do everything together. The kid will actually spend 3-4 consecutive days at my friends house (keep in mind they are like 23 years old). They don't work, they don't goto school, they just kind of "are". "I think, therefore I am" doesn't really apply to him, since he doesn't really think--at least not rationally! But this kind some how manages to attain the alcohol and drugs necessary for a great night. (When i reference drugs i really mean weed). But this kid has ninja'd his way through life. He doesn't ever spend a dime--and if he does have money, it's like $5 which is gone instantaneously. But he's not the guy who lurches off of other and replenish the supply when he is capable of it. Nope! He is the kind of guy who lurches when he has none. And when he gets some money he sneaks away until he runs out! Weak sauce! He is in fact a ninja drunk!

There was this kid in school that I knew that was a 9th degree ninja drunk. This kid could sneak into the bar, sneak into every group shot, sneak into anybodies tab and even sneak into all the photos without even knowing he was there. Ninja drunk! Since i'm a nice drunk (usually!) i always offer whoever is around me a shot also. I'm kind like that. But ninja drunk is not! If ninja drunk actually had say $20. He would first ninja a few drinks out of us. Then he would go to the otherside of the bar and order himself a shot, take it by himself and then ninja his way back into the group.

When you are out at a bar with a group of friends certain codes of respect, ethics and etiquette must be upheld. If you buy me a drink, I expect myself to buy you one in return. If we are sharing a tab I will pay my part of the tab--not the tab total divided by the number of people, but my part. This is tough for lots of people. For example, I'm at a bar with 2 friends--3 of us total--and I'm drinking jack and diet, and the other two are drinking $2 beers, and we each drink 5 drinks, then I am expected to pay the what I owe, i.e. price of my drinks multiplied by the number of drinks i had. Not the total bill price divided by 3 people. That's called ninja drunk! I hate that. Freakin pisses me off sooooo much.

Another ninja drunk stylings is called the "bill avoiding ninja drunk." As we all know, when we are preparing to finish out nightly excursion somebody has to be in charge of handling the bill and collecting cash. That's the worst job ever when bill avoiding ninja drunks are around. Obviously, if they are the kind of person that just bounces complete then that sucks. But there are others who actually do pay money. Yeah, you heard me right, a ninja drunk that actually pays. But this son of a bitch ninja drunk doesn't take tax or tip into account. Or if his total is like $22 he'll give you a $20 (and that doesnt include tax or tip!)!! Fuckin ninja drunks! So at the end of the night you end up having to pay like $20-30 extra out of your pocket because of the bill avoiding ninja drunk! weak sauce!

Now as a moral and honest person there are certain times where I allow people to participate in ninja drunk like activities. For example, I worked throughout college so I had extra cash to spend on going out. I had a friend, a really good friend of mine, that didn't have much money. So I invited him out all the time and paid for whatever I could of his. Now, I didn't do this to reinforce ninja like behavior or promote ninja drunk. Nope! I did this because this was the kind of guy who always kept favors that other people did for him in mind. I'm not sure if that made sense, but he was the kind of guy who remember favors. And anytime he had the cash or assets to reimburse he would. If he had an extra $50 he'd say lets gets a bottle of this or lets go here and get drunk for this amount of money, etc. Now he would be meticulous and kind to those who have been kind to him. He wouldn't spludge everywhere with anyone, he would focus on those that were kind to him. This we call friendship and one who honestly, and to the best of his efforts, follows the drinking code of ethics and etiquette.

Now you may be wondering what the point of this post is, that's simply! When we were young we were free, nothing really go between friends, we just played, wrestled, got upset once in a while but nothing really hindered our friendships. But as monetary incentives and monetary balances became a part of our lives many people began to feel new senses of betrayal and a new sense of boundaries that have been set by money. Lots of friendships have become distant because of monetary differences and many times the only way these friendships persist is through nightlife, through fun and through drinking. But once the ninja drunk's take their immoral hold of nightlife friends begin to end, bitter enemies arise and nightlife is no longer as fun as it use to be. Waking up with a $200 tab that is barely yours sucks! And this is the kind of shit that pisses people off. Thus, to be friends, to be able to enjoy nightlife together, each member of the team of friends must uphold the unspoken codes of ethics and etiquette for drinking and nightlife activities. Without these we would have absolute mayhem at the bars!

As for you ninja drunks out there, I'm watching. I'm watching you're every move. And for all you guys who have been effected by the ninja drunks, who have been hurt and angered by ninja drunks, i suggest you drunk that burden off your shoulders, you raise your shield and tell them ninjas that you got ethics, bitch!