NinjaDating: The (un)Romantic, (in)Sincere Form of Getting a Date

Posted on June 30, 2009

For some people, it's not easy to approach a girl, begin conversation and openly ask her on a date. No, sir. Actually, for most guys it is quite difficult to grow our balls, pull back our sweat and say "what's up, sweet thang...you're like a tall glass of water, and I'm telling you straight up - I'm thirsty!" So naturally, as a product of social and environmental conditioning, we have developed new, more subtle and less romantic ways of asking a girl for a date.

I remember growing up in a small social environment and it was interesting how relationships began. I don't think I actually saw anyone every openly ask a girl on a date (except for Leigh, we always asked her -- and consistently got shut down). I feel like most of the time, people just ended up in a relationship. We "ninja'ed" our way into a relationship. The first 3 girlfriends I had all asked me to properly ask them out. WTF, is that about? I mean, if it looks like Chewbaka, smells like Chewbaka and sounds like Chewbaka, then it's fucking Chewbaka. What's done is done, why the hell would I have to ask you out "properly" if we're already going out? Well that was the young me...now I understand. -- apparently, women don't like to be ninja'ed!

I don't want to get into the question of why nobody would want to be ninja'ed, since everything ninja is pretty damn cool!

Ninja Dating is a lot like what happens at the movie theater. You're probably wonder, WTF does that mean? Let me explain: You go to the theater, purchase your outrageously priced ticket and then head to the concession stand to buy a coke or make a popcorn. And what's the first thing that happens? The person at the counter say, "would you be interested in purchasing a number 8?" So you look up at the board, notice the number 8 is a large popcorn and coke for $12 and you said "no thank you, but I'll take a small coke." So the attendant says, "for 25 cents you can make that a large" and you say "deal!" Then you look around at the candy, the popcorn and those pretzels that you dip in cheese and you think. Then the hunger kicks in and you ask for a small popcorn. "For 25 cents you can make that a large?" And again, you said "deal!" Then the attendant politely and cynically says "you just purchased a number 8!" Ninja'ed!!!!

That is exactly how a Ninja Dating takes place. Except there is no popcorn involved. How does one go about Ninja Dating, you ask? It's simple (and sometimes creepy). Let's review a few examples:

Thanks to Facebook, stalking has never been so easy. So, dude see's a girl's status as "going to [bar name] tonight!" So after gawking through all her photos and perhaps touching himself a bit, he gets up and convinces all his boys to go to [bar name]. He goes, bumps into her and says "hey, funny to bump into you here." -- No, that wasn't funny, actually. You're a jack ass.

A guy finds out a girl is doing poorly in a subject and decides to tutor her, (think 10 Things I hate about you) so he ninja's his way in and slowly and cunningly pushes her on dates with him.

"Oh, you want me to unlock your iPhone? Sure! Let's grab some coffee tomorrow afternoon and I'll help you out." Then the dude forgets his laptop, PwangTools and his reason.

I won't lie, I once Ninja'ed this girl to date me! Oh, I ninja'ed her real well! When I worked at the bar she came in with her friend and I was talking to her about what she does and I found out she worked at a certain company that services bars. So I invited her to come in the following monday and show me what she had to offer. She did. She presented her products and I told her that I would only hire her services on 3 stipulations: 1. she come to the bar at least once a week, 2. I forgot and 3. she go on a date with me. I dated her for over a year and a half, purely Ninja'ed!

A friend of mine was recently getting skateboarding lessons for a gentleman who attempted to Ninja his way into her life. Occasionally after their lessons, he would request dinner or drinks or a movie, since he didn't have the balls to say "hey, how about we go on a nice date this weekend, i'll pick you up?"

What's to be learned from all of this? Ladies, watch out because just like Ninja Drunks, there are guys out there trying to Ninja you into a date. Prepare, beware, and somehow try to enjoy it because it's really not that bad.

Guys, if you need any advice, dont' be nervous, just use the following line to land any woman in the world: "what's up sweet thang, can I buy you a fish sandwich?" or "you're like a tall glass of water, and I'm telling you straight up -- I'm thirsty!" They never fail, guaranteed!

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