What Guys and Girl Secretly Have in Common (unfortunately)

Posted on September 28, 2008 / Thoughts

After I accidentally clogged one toilet in my house I decided to use my cousin's bathroom to avoid any more clogging sprees. When I sat down I noticed a stack of Men's Health magazines sitting in the corner. Since I was about to spend a little time in the bathroom I decided I'd pick one up and start reading. The first page I flipped to was the advice section for how to deal with women in a variety of ways. So I started to read about how women that are interested in you will mimic your movement and positions, how women are more likely to hit on a guy to sexually arouse him, and how women who watch porn are better in bed.

I won't lie, I kind of felt like a chick reading a cosmo article about guys. I won't lie, I've read cosmo! But it was because i was using my sister's bathroom--that's all she had and I was bored! But i'm not going to sit here and justify why I read a cosmo. Instead, I'd like to highlight the similarities between these magazines. I mean, they are exactly the same---in an opposite way. You read cosmo and you learn about "what guys are really thinking," "what percentage of guys is terrible in bed" and "how to tell if your boyfriend is in love with you." True story. I've read it!! Now as I'm reading this Men's Health I started to have flashbacks of my experiences in my sister's bathroom reading her cosmos (yeah, I had multiple experiences in her bathroom).

Either I'm not a real man or real men actually act like women. I don't typically read advice columns or magazines that help me develop my relationship or sexual experiences but I will read one if I'm on the toilet and that's all there is. I kind of take things as they are, don't look into it too much or too little. I mean, honestly?!?, who the hell sits across from a girl while on a date and examines whether she is mimicing your posture and movements--which, if you didn't know, means she's interested in you (according to some scientists). Seriously? I'm too busy talking, you know-- hey girl, what's up, i like your style. you're like a tall glass of water....and i'm telling you, i'm thirsty! That's my style (and probably why I have no girlfriend).

But my questions is really whether guys follow this advice? I know girls do! I hear that shit all the time. But if guys are following these little advice columns that provide statistical and scientific advice on how to deal with women, then I feel like men and women have a lot more in common than Dr. John Gray knows (he wrote that book men are from mars, women are from venus)--he's lame!

But seriously, if guys are walking around thinking about these advice columns then I am really disappointed in Men's Health and men in general. Seriously, we're suppose to be dudes, we don't analyze the situation, we dont use statistics to break down whether she's going to sleep with you or not--that's how you don't get laid! Real men go with the flow. We try to be unpredictable, mysterious and charming (also, slightly assholish!). We don't want to always be a good guy--cause everyone knows they finish last! Trust me, I know, I was one until I met my inner asshole!

Back to the point, though: yes, i've read cosmo and men's health but you don't see me purchasing these magazines and actually taking this stuff to heart. What we can conclude, though, is that men and women have a lot more in common. When us men go out on a date, we know that the woman is analyzing our every move, we know they are curious as to whether we are actually listening or just looking at her boobs; we know that we have to be perfectly, unpredictably, mysteriously smooth! But now it seems like men are little girls, "oh my god, she's not mimicing my movements--she doesn't like me!! ohhh nooo!" "why is she hitting on me? is she just trying to feel desired or does she like me? oh my god!"

Real men close. Real men do what they do, how they do, and when they do because they do! We don't think statistically or analytically or scientifically. We are nothing but impulse, instinct and reaction. That's what makes us so irresistibly attractive. You know that song "where have all the cowboys gone? yeah, it should be "where have all the real freaking men gone!" So lame, dudes. So lame.